


Delicious Diet Vanilla Cherry Coke

by Rhinoyo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Gen, M/M, Temporary Character Death, my friend wanted me to write haikyuu fanfic before i actually watched it, the romance is there and then it is not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:08:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24533593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rhinoyo/pseuds/Rhinoyo
Summary: Oikawa and Iwaizumi meet at the vending machine and then things just don’t make sense./Person who hadn’t watched Haikyuu writes Haikyuu fanfic.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 4





	1. Vending Machine

**Author's Note:**

> alright so a few things
> 
> ooc because i had not watched haikyuu at the time  
> iwaizumi is referred to as umizoomi for the majority of this  
> and ignore the deal with kageyama and hatsune miku

“Oh, this vending machine seems to be out of order,” Oikawa muttered, sighing and resting his head against the glass. “That is so sad.”

He pulled back and gazed at his reflection. Lookin’ pretty nice. He ran a hand through his hair. Each spike in his hair resembled a match that he won singlehandedly. By himself. Okay, well maybe that Umizoomi kid helped a bit, but he was also antisocial and Oikawa didn’t like that.

He perked up at footsteps approaching the vending machine and turned to look back. Oh, speak of the ravenette. Umizoomi suddenly began sprinting at full speed towards the food and drink enslaver. Oikawa used his epic gamer volleyball reflexes to dodge out of the way as it was obliterated. 

“HYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA!” 

“Ow, what the heck Umizoomi? You got glass in my symbolic weaves.”

The emo stepped back from the rubble with a delicious diet vanilla cherry coke in hand. He took a sip and extracted some of the glass shards from his skin. He lowered the drink from his mouth with an exhale. Then he turned to look at Oikawa.

“O-Oikawa?!” he yelled, shocked. He then put his hand in his pocket and looked away. “I— I thought you were Kageyama.”

“Hm? The Hatsune Miku kid? From the orange and black Halloween stupid team?” Oikawa replied, leaning down into the debris of the vending machine to grab a bag of gummy bears. “Haha, he sucks so much. He always riles up chaos from the sidelines. A real pro would go the extra mile to trick others into riling up chaos for them. He’s an amateur. Not as amateur as that number three kid, though. Y’know how he beats everyone up and takes their lunch money? Yeah. Amateur.”

Umizoomi sipped his delicious diet vanilla cherry coke in silence.

After a second or two Oikawa got tired of his antisocial nonsense and spoke up. “Is your actual name Umizoomi or is that your volleyball alias?”

He dropped his delicious diet vanilla cherry coke on the floor. “???? My name isn’t Umizoomi, idiot.” 

“Wait it’s not?”

“No, it’s Iwaizumi. Did you seriously think my name was Umizoomi this entire time?”

“Uh, pfft. Ha. No,” Oikawa laughed, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, it hasn’t been that long since we met. Like a month.” 

He looked pained, as if someone impaled him and left him out to bleed on the volleyball court, abandoned and alone. “We have known each other for so long.”

Oikawa raised an eyebrow. “You know the rules, and so do I?”

“Stop.”

“Alright, if you say so. Oh, I’ll pick up your delicious diet vanilla cherry coke for you since I’m the generous volleyball captain. Can you hold this?”

Umizoomi rolled his eyes, wondering why Oikawa would have him hold his gummy bears for him so he could pick up his soda for him when he wasn’t carrying anything at all, but okay. So Umizoomi held out his hand to grab it.

Instead of gummy bears, it was Oikawa’s hand.

Umizoomi was in absolute shock, so he said “UhHhhHhhhhh?????????????????? Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?????????????”

“Oh, yeah haha. So I’ve kinda liked you for some time now,” Oikawa chuckled, not picking up the delicious diet vanilla cherry coke whatsoever and continuing to hold his hand in front of the massacred vending machine.

“Whhwhwhhwh?? That’s... that’s pretty dumb...... and so was the hand holding joke pick up line thing..... but uh I mean yeah, I uh, me too.” Umizoomi stared into his pitch black, circular eyes. Even with the lack of shine in his vision spheres, there remained vigor, vitality, and energy. “For like, the whole three years.”

“Oh well haha that was a joke. Get pranked.”

“Whwhwhwha??”

Oikawa then proceeded to impale him with the delicious diet vanilla cherry coke, drag him to the volleyball court, and leave him out to bleed, abandoned and alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am a clown


	2. Rooftop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the conclusion that i wrote after watching haikyuu

“Ow,” Umizoomi thought to himself.

He had just been stabbed with a delicious diet vanilla cherry coke by his crush, and was bleeding out on the floor of the volleyball court. Oikawa didn’t bother turning the lights on. It was dark. 

His head fell to the side as he closed his eyes. “Tch. Death really is inevitable.” 

...

“What. Why is there someone bleeding out on the floor.”

Umizoomi’s eyes opened. He used his little amount of remaining strength to look up at the source of the voice.

He blinked several times, trying to bring the person into focus. “*coughs up blood* You’re from the orange and black Halloween stupid team. Why are you here.”

“You’re alive? Wow. Incredible,” he replied, adjusting his glasses.

“You didn’t *cough* answer my question.”

The blonde boy chuckled. “Your lifespan’s kind of running out, that’s probably what you should be focusing on. Cya.” He waved his hand in a dismissive fashion and turned around to leave. 

“*cough* Stop. Can you go get a delicious diet vanilla cherry coke from the vending machine.”

“Pfft, you drink those?”

“Yeah.”

“Hm, I don’t have sympathy for dying people. So no, I won’t.”

The gaping, circular hole in Umizoomi’s chest stung. He didn’t have the time to argue with this smug individual. “*COUGH* I’LL. I’ll buy you something in return. So.”

He raised a curious eyebrow. “From the vending machine?”  
“Yeah, sure, whatever,” Umizoomi responded weakly, clearly dying. He held up a twenty dollar bill which the other quickly took.

Three minutes later, he returned, placing the drink on the ground. “Here’s the delicious diet vanilla cherry coke. The vending machine was broken so I’m just gonna keep the money.” 

Umizoomi glared at him. “*cough* Idiot, I can’t reach that.”

He sighed and moved the delicious diet vanilla cherry coke closer, watching as Umizoomi consumed it. As he did, the hole in his chest slowly repaired itself, his vital organs regaining form, his skin (as well as his shirt) closing over them. He sat up, rejuvenated and full of energy but also still emo. 

He cleared his throat and made eye contact with the appalled boy. “So blonde kid. Why are you here.”

Blonde kid made a |:-/ expression. “It’s Tsukishima. *sigh* My mom told me to fetch Kageyama because that’s my job for some reason. But you don’t know who that is so I’m going to leave now.” 

“You mean the Hatsune Miku kid from your team? The one who always riles up chaos from the sidelines instead of doing the real pro move and going the extra mile to trick others into riling up chaos for him? The amateur who’s not as amateur as that number three kid who beats everyone up and takes their lunch money?” Umizoomi then made a |:-/ expression because he pretty much just quoted Oikawa.

“Yeah exactly. You know where he is, or?”

“I have no idea.”

Tsukishima blinked slowly at the waste of time that was, then turned to leave once again. Umizoomi let him this time, making all of that besides his revival pretty much pointless to the plot.

As the gym doors closed, Umizoomi pocketed the half-empty can of delicious diet vanilla cherry coke and determined his next goal, which was to kill Oikawa as revenge. Yeah he liked him, but that was irrelevant in the matters of life and death.

He strolled out of the gymnasium, pulling up his hood and beginning his trek to the roof. Oikawa was surely on the roof; he liked to absorb the sunlight after his murders. Umizoomi, on the other hand, had always preferred to consume the darkness in the boiler room. He thought this juxtaposition was a brilliant portrayal of how the two completed each other, although now it instead seemed to depict the sharp contrast and unlimited differences between them. They would never fit together. Instead, they would clash. That would occur right here, on the roof that Umizoomi has ascended to—

“Kageyama mom wants you to go home.”

“Ughhhhh I am not going home. We don’t have vending machines at home.”

“We literally do.”

“Do they have milk in them?”

“...”

“Yeah I think not.”

This back-and-forth conversation between the blonde kid and the Hatsune Miku kid was definitely an unexpected one to see on the roof. Oikawa was sitting on the ledge past them, observing them like a cat would a mouse. Except not at all because Oikawa didn’t really care about them and just wanted to absorb the sunlight in peace. Umizoomi also did not care about them and just wanted to kill Oikawa in peace. 

“Okay blonde kid and Hatsune Miku kid, can you argue somewhere else? I have to settle something with the guy over there.”

The guy over there perked up at his voice, then squinted at him. “What, Umizoomi? I killed you, what the heck?”

“Oh right, you forgot I existed. If only you remembered me; then you’d have known my secret.” Umizoomi smirked, glad that his revival method was safe. As long as Oikawa didn’t know that, he would be able to survive another murder by utilizing the drink in his pocket. 

Tsukishima tilted his head on hearing the word ‘secret.’ Out of curiosity and also out of the want to cause problems on purpose, he said, “By secret do you mean your revival method of drinking delicious diet vanilla cherry coke?”

...

Dagnabbit blonde kid.

He could still salvage this. “No of course not, that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve e-”

“Oh, so thaaaat’s what your secret is, Umizoomi?” Oikawa laughed, resting his head on his hand.

...

There was still a chance though. “No that’s not my hecking secr-”

“Haha yeah I remember that now. That IS it.”

...

“WHY would you SAY THAT?” Umizoomi yelled at the blonde, who folded his arms, quite amused at the situation. “Now I’m gonna die AGAIN!!”

Tsukishima shrugged.

Oikawa, meanwhile, was chuckling to himself as he rose from the ledge of the rooftop and spread out his arms. The two others on the rooftop (Kageyama disappeared) turned to look at him as the wind picked up, carrying chips of the building with it as thunder roared in the distance. The yellow hues of lightning flashed over Oikawa’s face as he said, “Are you ready to die again, Umizoomi?”

He lowered his hood, reaching into his pocket to feel the comforting can of delicious diet vanilla cherry coke. He inhaled slowly through his nose, then released it and met Oikawa’s gaze. “Bold of you to assume I’ll be the one dying,” he retaliated, speaking over the wind.

“Wow, you’re a lot more confident than you were a while ago. I’m sure it’ll be hard to kill someone that you liked for three years, though. So I think I’ll win here.”

“I don’t care anymore. My attraction to you is pointless. You’re a threat to this school, and to this world.”

“You’ve changed perspectives quite quickly, haven’t you, Umizoomi?”

He grimaced. “It’s Iwaizumi.”

“Alright. Iwa-chan, then.”

His heart skipped a beat at the nickname. “Go... Go back to Umizoomi.”

Oikawa smiled. He noticed that. “I like it though. Iwa-chaaaaan.”

“St— stop,” he said with visible fluster.

“Iwa-chan, Iwa-chan, Iwaaaaaa-chaaaaaa-”

“What the heck is going on,” commented Tsukishima.

“Right,” Umizoomi nodded. They needed to get back to the matter at hand. Oikawa was likely teasing him to make him realize that he couldn’t let go of his feelings that easily; to make him see how worthless the battle was. But no matter how hard it would be, Umizoomi had to kill him. “Let’s do thi-”

And before he could process it, Oikawa’s weapon of choice, his gummy bear coated volleyball, was being hurled at him. Umizoomi came to his senses and received it, sending it spinning into the air. Oikawa did the same back, and their volleyball death match began. The ball went back and forth between them, each of them using as much force as possible to kill the other. 

Umizoomi winced. “If time goes on and Oikawa absorbs enough light to reach his full strength, I’m going to die. I have to...”

Then he noticed a somewhat obvious solution; a way to win immediately.

He used his power to attempt to receive the ball over the ledge of the roof. Of course, not having soaked up the boiler room’s darkness in a while, it wasn’t sent as far as it could have been, but it was enough. 

Umizoomi smiled at the plan’s success, then darkened as Oikawa’s second gummy bear coated volleyball came into view.

Time slowed down as it came towards him. There was no time to stop it, or to avoid it. This was no Animal Jam wolf forest roleplay in which you could dodge any attack you wanted. This was fate. Umizoomi grimaced and vowed to obliterate Oikawa in another life.

Then life returned to normal as the ball was knocked out of the way by a milk carton.

“This is stupid,” said Kageyama as he returned from the sidelines.

“Whaat?” Oikawa pouted. “Hatsune Miku kid is back? The one who always riles up chaos from the sidelines instead of doing the real pro m—”

“Okay shut up I’m gonna go leave with Tsukishima.”

Oikawa was offended as Umizoomi was recovering from the fact that he almost died. “Th— That’s all you’re gonna do? Just interfere with my murder and then leave?”

“Well yeah what else are we gonna do, give you two relationship counseling?” Tsukishima laughed at the thought.

But he wasn’t laughing at the thought for long because the four were soon in an office setting, each pair on one side of the table, there for relationship counseling.

“Please tell me why the heck we’re doing this,” said Kageyama, putting his milk down on the table. “I thought we were going home.”

Tsukishima sighed. “Bold of you to assume I know why we’re doing this. Anyway what’s the problem.”

Umizoomi hmm’d and put his hand on his chin. “Just a guess, maybe the problem is that Oikawa literally killed me.”

“Okay wow. I’ve killed a ton of people; you’re not special, Iwa-chan,” he said, raising his hands in defense, “And you’re alive, aren’t you? Not a big deal to me.”

“Mhm yeah I’m alive. But you didn’t know that I’d be when you impaled me with the delicious diet vanilla cherry coke, so it was basically a completely unprompted murder.”

Oikawa snickered. “Unprompted, huh?”

“Oh, you’re saying you had a reason?”

“Hmmm I thought that was kind of obvious.”

Umizoomi squinted at him. “What was it. Is it because I broke the vending machine or something.”

“Mmmmm no.”

“Hecking— TELL ME WHAT IT WAS THEN!” He yelled, getting up and looking at the other two. “Are you guys even gonna say anything??”

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. “Tch, nah.”

Umizoomi sat down again and crossed his arms. “Alright then. Great counseling, we’re never gonna resolve anything.”

“Okay Iwa-chan, chill out, I’ll give you a hint,” Oikawa said, then pointed to his hair.

...

“Is it because I got glass in your symbolic weaves.”

“Yes, yes it was.”

Umizoomi stared at him. “You’re telling me. That you KILLED ME... AND tried to kill me AGAIN... because I got GLASS... in your HAIR.”

“Yes, yes I am.”

Tsukishima was amused by this. Meanwhile, Umizoomi was bamboozled.

“I— ARE YOU—”

“Iwa-chan calm down, it’s completely understandable that-”

“IT IS GLASS. IT IS GLASS OIKAWA. THAT WAS A PROBLEM THAT LASTED TWO SECONDS.”

“Oh my god just listen, you know how important it is to me that-”

“NO I DO NOT KNOW THAT WAS THE WORST REASON FOR KILLING SOMEONE THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD-”

“It was not the worst reason it was a great reason-”

“THERE IS NO WAY THAT THAT WAS THE REASON YOU-”

“YEAH IT WAS THE REASON OKAY NOW PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF ME-”

This went on as Tsukishima and Kageyama closed the door and left.  
“Mom’s making casserole by the way.”

“Ugh I hate casserole.”

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> 🤡


End file.
